When Two Become Three (or More): Why Parenthood Can Feel Like a Bomb Dropped in Your Relationship

Becoming a parent is supposed to be magical, right? You picture snuggles, soft blankets, sleepy smiles, and this deep, all-consuming love. And yeah, those moments exist. But let’s be real—sometimes it just straight-up sucks.

You're exhausted, you're overwhelmed, your body's changed, your identity’s in limbo, and suddenly the person you used to tag-team life with feels more like a roommate you argue with about diapers and who slept less.

In Episode 17 of This Way Up, I sat down with psychologist Markella Kaplani, who has 15 years of experience helping parents figure out what in the world just happened to their lives—and their relationships. She’s also the host of The Parenthood and Relationship Podcast, where she explores the messy emotional side of becoming a parent.

Matrescence and Patrescence: What the Hell Are Those?

Think puberty, but for parents.

Matrescence is the massive mental, emotional, hormonal, and identity shift that happens when someone becomes a mother. Patrescence is the version of that shift for dads or non-birthing partners. It’s like your whole inner world gets flipped upside down while you’re still trying to function, love your baby, love your partner, and maybe, occasionally, shower.

Nobody really talks about it. You’re just expected to “figure it out,” which is wild, because this is one of the biggest transitions of your life.

What It Does to Your Relationship

Here’s the thing: relationships often take a hit after kids. That’s not failure, that’s reality.

You go from date nights and sleeping in to negotiating who gets to go to the grocery store alone because it's basically a mini vacation. Resentment can build. Misunderstandings pile up. You feel disconnected, touched out, and maybe a little lost.

Markella made a great point in our chat—most couples aren’t prepared for the identity crisis that comes with becoming a parent. And when you don’t understand what’s happening to you, it’s even harder to connect with your partner who’s also in their own whirlwind.

So What Do You Do About It?

Here are some real-life ways to keep your relationship from going off the rails:

• Talk About What’s Really Going On
  Not just who’s doing what around the house—talk about how you’re feeling. Scared? Lost? Invisible? Say it. Listen when your partner says it too.

• Lower the Bar
  For now, love might look like taking the night shift or folding the laundry. Don’t wait for grand romantic gestures—appreciate the small stuff.

• Protect Couple Time Like It’s Gold
  Ten minutes on the couch together after bedtime? That’s your date. Take it seriously.

• Ask for Help Before It’s a Crisis
  Therapy, support groups, honest convos with other parents—it all helps. You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through this.

• Give Each Other a Break
  You’re both figuring this out. You’re both tired. Compassion over perfection—every time.

Look, becoming a parent changes everything. That’s not a bad thing—but pretending it’s all sunshine and cuddles does more harm than good. The more honest we are about the hard stuff, the more supported and connected we feel.

Check out Episode 17 of This Way Up with Markella Kaplani for more on this—she breaks it down in a way that makes you feel seen and way less alone.